Okay, I'll start with Loren's story. I'm going to have to post this in several
snippets since I don't think the board will accept one big one. Then I'll post
my comments in a letter which I sent to him.
Everyone should keep in mind that what you're seeing here is the first draft
of Loren's story. He did indeed rewrite it along the lines I suggested in my
letter to him (see my comments below), and so the version which will appear in
the anthology (assuming it does -- that's likely but not absolutely certain) is
not the same as this one. It's quite a bit longer, for one thing.
The other thing everyone should keep in mind -- this is even more true in
Scott's story -- is that there are a lot of little details which will need to
be touched up assuming these stories go into print. The main one being that,
interestingly enough, a lot of the authors chose to focus on the same set of
characters. Two sets, actually. One is Father Mazzare and Mrs. Flannery, and
the other are the Jeff and Gretchen household.
Obviously, there are some minor little discrepancies between the way some of
the characters are portrayed in one story as opposed to another. But as long
as they don't conflict completely -- which, alas, Nina's version of Mrs.
Flannery's death did -- I'm not worried about it at this point. There'll be
plenty of time later for that kind of editing, which is what professionals call
"line-editing." (And means exactly what it sounds like -- a detailed edit,
line by line.)
The point of these posts, however, is for people to look at these stories
(and my comments) from the viewpoint of "principles of story-telling" in
general. If people want to point out little errors of fact or detail, that's
fine. But do keep in mind that while nitpicking is a fine and splendid sport
to play with ME, it really should be done in moderation with authors who are
grappling with the basic craft of writing.
Walt Boyes, A. M. D. G.: Thou Shalt Not Suffer -
1. draft,
2nd draft.
Virginia Easley DeMarce:
"Considerations upon the Nature of Historical Causation:
The Impact of a Shortage of StoveTop Stuffing Mix(tm) on the
Development of Early Childhood Education in the United States." -
1. draft,
2nd draft.
Greg Donahue: Grenzschutzgruppe (80% of
it). Abandoned because it was too long-winded, and replaced with: