From: Rat & Swan (
Date: Sun, 21 Jun 1998 11:00:08 -0700
Subject: Re: Butter

Heck wrote:
**Who is this character? Butter doesn't crush, it smushes.

* I know you're confused but listen carefully: Butter can be crushed if one
* uses the Blitzkrieg style of attack. Tanks preceded by carpet bombing
* followed by large numbers of troops to overwhelm it's creamy goodness....

Actually, warfare with butter is an art as well as a science. General Pat'ton found that out when he spread his forces too thinly. This bread resistence in the enemy and they sliced through his lines, taking advantage of his margarinal position. As to tank (I think you meant tub?) tactics, carpet bombing all depends on the age and value of the carpet, and the falling buttered toast's aerodynamic capacities. While a buttered toast projectile will always land buttered side down (saturation bombing) It will be FAR more likely to leave its mark if the carpet is newer and more valuable. As demonstrated before, if buttered toast is attached to the back of act, which always lands on its feet, the toast/feline combination, bound by the peculiar physics of butter and catpaws, wil fall to within the area close to the ground, whereupon, the cat will flip, to accomodate the butter's downward ballistics, and flip again, as the cat attempts to right itself, repeating this process until the toast/feline missile is spinning gyroscopically, with enough force to remain suspended in space!

Toast/feline conbinations have a definite usage in military applications. while they, by their dynamics, must be close to the surface of the ground, their effect will increase, if a brand new carpet is placed beneath them! Such wild spinning will result in generated energy, virtually "free". the only difficulty then, is harnessing that energy. Once harnessed, the energy may be militarily used to vercome the drawbacks of EMP weapons, as the toast/feline object is NOT electromagnetic in nature, but probability-powered! Probability energy is the wave (or spin) of the future. Some day, space craft will be powered by TFC (toast/feline/carpet) drives, if science can find a way to create an artificial gravity TOWARD the carpet, in which to suspend the TF drive.

It is a pity that the TF device cannot reliably be miniaturized. TK (toast/kitten) is marginally smaller, but still too large to be used in, say, a hand weapon.

Another military usage of oleo is the application of copious amounts of the stuff to a large male sheep. Usually a merino is used, but blackfaces and other types are used as well, the Bighorn sheep being the favored for strength and durability, but temperamental in combat situations. the sheep, anointed with spread, is set loose to charge wildly at the enemy, sowing confusion and being well nigh uncatchable cue to the slipperiness of his wool. If the spread is set afire, more damage results.

Excuse me, I see a hand in the back... What? Ah, you say that this is entirely apocryphal and you have never heard of this tactic? I'm sorry young man, but that was a sheep shot and we do NOT appreciate it. after all...

You never heard of a "Buttering Ram"?