Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: email@example.com (Robert Vollman) Subject: Actual pick-up attempt Keywords: chuckle, dating Approved: firstname.lastname@example.org Path: nntp.uio.no!trane.uninett.no!sunic!news.funet.fi!news.csc.fi!news.eunet.fi!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!gatech!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!insosf1.infonet.net!newshost.marcam.com!uunet!looking!funny-request Date: Sat, 25 Feb 95 19:30:02 EST Lines: 274 Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect, got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this: TOP 118 REASONS WHY TAMARA SHOULD GO OUT WITH ROB ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1) His shoelaces are hardly ever untied 2) Doesn't pick his nose in public 3) Has never put a red shirt in with the whites 4) Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust 5) When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor 6) Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left? 7) Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures of African gorillas 8) His cat seems to like him 9) Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now 10) Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug 11) Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked 12) Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons 13) He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup 14) Knows the capital of Eritrea 15) Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear on the first date 16) Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem 17) Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle he began in 1981 18) He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction 19) Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis 20) Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez 21) Very rarely has homicidal tendencies 22) Makes excellent use of his spare time 23) DOES NOT OVERUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY 24) He subscribes to the theory that the world is round 25) He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghali's name unnecessarily 26) Is mixing up 'dessert' and 'desert' less and less every day 27) He found Waldo 28) Has never passed out on any world leader's front lawn 29) Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner 30) Cried at the end of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men' 31) Has never found rude shapes in clouds 32) Tries not to giggle when he cuts one 33) Has never blatantly misused a blender 34) Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds 35) Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks 36) Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends 37) Doesn't scrape his vegetables onto his grandmother's plate when no one is looking 38) Wears male undergarments 39) Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit by a falling meteorite 40) Is an accomplished tv-watcher 41) Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany 42) Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people 43) Did not mastermind Julius Caeser's death; that was Cassius 44) Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition 45) Has Patrick Roy's autograph 46) Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory 47) Regularly gets the high score on "Super Mario Bros." 48) Rarely stares directly at the sun 49) Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base 50) Has never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge 51) Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60 52) So far, has never resorted to cannibalism 53) Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt 54) Never stares at someone's wart for more than 2-3 minutes 55) Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up 56) Has no communicable diseases 57) No tyrannical system of government is named after him 58) Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie 59) Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away for Gary Leeman 60) Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer 61) Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault competition 62) Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods 63) Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown 64) Very rarely ties cans to a cat's tail 65) Hardly ever referred to as 'infernal' 66) Has never suffered from lockjaw 67) Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas 68) Excellent at compiling purposeless lists 69) Would give up his appendix for the right woman 70) Great with kids; even better with roast beef 71) Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got his cheese to stick to in grade six. 72) Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club 73) The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated 74) Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many other places in the world 75) Has managed so far not to decapitate himself 76) Gets fewer and fewer 'ice-cream headaches' 77) Wouldn't smoke nor drink while pregnant 78) Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a 'piledriver' 79) Has never locked himself in a car 80) Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear 81) Does not use cruel mouse traps 82) Has never let Frank Sinatra down 83) Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork 84) Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon 85) Very rarely has delusions of God 86) Never placed a bet with Pete Rose 87) It's been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a telephone cord 88) Can sing "Frere Jacques" much better than Jean-Luc Picard 89) Rarely eats paste between meals 90) Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says 'FINISH HIM!' just before a fatality 91) Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it 92) Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week 93) Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963 94) Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in his hair 95) And when he just can't resist, it's usually shaved somewhere where you can't see it 96) Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in a bath-tub 97) At Speedy, he's a somebody 98) At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally in under 30 minutes 99) Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl 100) Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi 101) Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh 102) If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven Hawking in a fair fight 103) Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a small rodent inside 104) The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly unfounded 105) No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver an automatic rifle in Christmas of '80 106) It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea Arthur 107) Come on, he's not *that* much of an eyesore! 108) Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother 109) Refuses to play 'let's hide grandma's teeth' 110) Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys 111) The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal were unreliable 112) As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous breathing 113) There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days 114) Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight 115) Nevers pees in someone else's sink 116) His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon 117) Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse 118) Give me 118 reasons why she shouldn't CONTRARY TO WHAT ONE MIGHT THINK, NO, THIS IS NOT THE STUPIDEST THING THAT ROB HAS EVER DONE. BUT IT'S IN THE TOP 118.