Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: (Robert Vollman)
Subject: Actual pick-up attempt
Keywords: chuckle, dating
Date: Sat, 25 Feb 95 19:30:02 EST
Lines: 274

Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous.  He
wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect,
got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this:


1)      His shoelaces are hardly ever untied

2)      Doesn't pick his nose in public

3)      Has never put a red shirt in with the whites

4)      Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust

5)      When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't
        push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor

6)      Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left?

7)      Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures
        of African gorillas

8)      His cat seems to like him

9)      Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now

10)     Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug

11)     Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked

12)     Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons

13)     He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup

14)     Knows the capital of Eritrea

15)     Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear
        on the first date

16)     Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem

17)     Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword
        puzzle he began in 1981

18)     He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction

19)     Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis

20)     Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez

21)     Very rarely has homicidal tendencies

22)     Makes excellent use of his spare time


24)     He subscribes to the theory that the world is round

25)     He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghali's name unnecessarily

26)     Is mixing up 'dessert' and 'desert' less and less every day

27)     He found Waldo

28)     Has never passed out on any world leader's front lawn

29)     Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner

30)     Cried at the end of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men'

31)     Has never found rude shapes in clouds

32)     Tries not to giggle when he cuts one

33)     Has never blatantly misused a blender

34)     Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds

35)     Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks

36)     Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends

37)     Doesn't scrape his vegetables onto his grandmother's plate when
        no one is looking

38)     Wears male undergarments

39)     Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit
        by a falling meteorite

40)     Is an accomplished tv-watcher

41)     Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany

42)     Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people

43)     Did not mastermind Julius Caeser's death; that was Cassius

44)     Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition

45)     Has Patrick Roy's autograph

46)     Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory

47)     Regularly gets the high score on "Super Mario Bros."

48)     Rarely stares directly at the sun

49)     Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base

50)     Has never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge

51)     Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60

52)     So far, has never resorted to cannibalism

53)     Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt

54)     Never stares at someone's wart for more than 2-3 minutes

55)     Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up

56)     Has no communicable diseases

57)     No tyrannical system of government is named after him

58)     Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie

59)     Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away
        for Gary Leeman

60)     Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer

61)     Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault

62)     Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods

63)     Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown

64)     Very rarely ties cans to a cat's tail

65)     Hardly ever referred to as 'infernal'

66)     Has never suffered from lockjaw

67)     Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas

68)     Excellent at compiling purposeless lists

69)     Would give up his appendix for the right woman

70)     Great with kids; even better with roast beef

71)     Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got
        his cheese to stick to in grade six.

72)     Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club

73)     The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated

74)     Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many
        other places in the world

75)     Has managed so far not to decapitate himself

76)     Gets fewer and fewer 'ice-cream headaches'

77)     Wouldn't smoke nor drink while pregnant

78)     Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a 'piledriver'

79)     Has never locked himself in a car

80)     Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear

81)     Does not use cruel mouse traps

82)     Has never let Frank Sinatra down

83)     Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork

84)     Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon

85)     Very rarely has delusions of God

86)     Never placed a bet with Pete Rose

87)     It's been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a
        telephone cord

88)     Can sing "Frere Jacques" much better than Jean-Luc Picard

89)     Rarely eats paste between meals

90)     Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says 'FINISH HIM!'
        just before a fatality

91)     Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it

92)     Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week

93)     Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963

94)     Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in
        his hair

95)     And when he just can't resist, it's usually shaved somewhere where
        you can't see it

96)     Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in
        a bath-tub

97)     At Speedy, he's a somebody

98)     At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally
        in under 30 minutes

99)     Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl

100)    Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi

101)    Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh

102)    If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven
        Hawking in a fair fight

103)    Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a 
        small rodent inside

104)    The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly

105)    No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver
        an automatic rifle in Christmas of '80

106)    It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea

107)    Come on, he's not *that* much of an eyesore!

108)    Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother

109)    Refuses to play 'let's hide grandma's teeth'

110)    Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys

111)    The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra
        scandal were unreliable

112)    As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous

113)    There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days

114)    Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight

115)    Nevers pees in someone else's sink

116)    His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon

117)    Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse

118)    Give me 118 reasons why she shouldn't